Moments of Clarity

If ever there were needed a moment of clarity, this was it. Life has been nothing but chaos and confusion and strife and just bad decisions. And I keep telling myself that I'll change, and that I can do hard things but then somehow I get discouraged again and forget my goal.

I don't think I have ever thought of it this way- and I guess I am stupid not to have - but Satan has a real good way of distracting you from what you really need to do. And I don't mean by waving tantalizing sins in front of your face, I mean simple but ever so useful, slight of hand tricks. He isn't necessarily tempting to do  bad things, merely keeping the attention elsewhere. And its like sthap Satan, you are not a magician go home. I mean I think it has come to me needing to PHYSICALLY see my end game in front of my every day/night to keep my attention where it needs to be.

All of this comes after an AMAZING General Conference. There have been times when I have received some good counsel from the apostles and prophet, absolutely. But the answers I needed in my confused little head could not have come any clearer and in so many talks. There were the normal few that did not peek my interest as much as others, but it seemed like speaker after speaker was just laying it out all so beautifully and simply. And then I remembered, Heavenly Father works in very simple and clear ways. There is no deception, no slight of hand, only true clarity.

My brother and his family stopped by tonight. It was instantly loud and chaotic and just so disorganized, but so goes life with 4 children under the age of 5. I noticed one of my nephews was getting tired and while I was trying to rock him in the middle of the chaos, I knew there was no way in heck this kid could get a moments peace with all the turmoil. I took him into my parents bedroom. It was cool and dark and best of all, quiet. Its moments like this one I cannot wait to have children of my own. As I sat on the bed rocking my nephew, I could see his big bright eyes looking up at me and a huge smile across that gummy mouth. I stood up and swayed with him, within a few minutes he was snoozing. It was in that quiet moment I realized, I was exactly where I needed to be. I had not felt that much comfort and that much understanding and love, not just from my nephew, in a long time. I realized that it was not in anyway where I could foresee myself being a year previous, but it was exactly where I was meant to be.

I understand that things may be changing soon, they are destined to, but I learned that Heavenly Father knows exactly what He is doing. I know I am still learning this, and my always have to continue learning this but I also know that He will never leave me. I know that He will always guide me and be with me so long as I allow His Spirit to be with me. I know that I need to make choices that will lead me to where I want to go, and that this pretending to be an adult is no longer a game. Its time to step up to the plate and realize that this is all real life, as was said in Conference today, you don't want to look back to late and realize you muddled away your 4 minutes. This "life" thing is not just a game of "playing house" its real, with real consequences, real choice, and real rewards.... and punishments.

I am so glad I was able to see those moments of clarity with my nephew in my arms. I don't think I would have if I wasn't given the chance to be in a quiet place with my heart so at peace.

Is it always this difficult?

I understand and have come to accept that I am a dramatic person. I have and still continue to occasionally blow things out of proportion. But I swear my life is made up of many instances of stink and every blue moon a shining glorious great moment, which is normally ruined by other circumstances of more stink.

When friends ask me about upcoming events and I finish my excitement with "but I'm sure something will change and it will all come crashing down" they give me funny looks, and when I explain to them that I live by Murphy's Law they laugh and shrug it off. What they don't understand is, I'm completely serious. I have learned that anything that can, will go wrong, and normally in the worst way.

I don't want to seem like I am not grateful for the blessings I do have in my life, they are countless, and it is easier to see everything that has gone wrong. I am currently able to attend church every week and able to attend a class I have wanted to be able to take my entire life at church. Along with that class I am hoping to be able to receive something I have also waited my entire life to do, but I'm also not holding out too much hope to be honest, because things always go wrong. I don't get to do things I want to do, ever so when this is another thing that doesn't work out.... I may actually need to go see a therapist.

Anyway, whatever, I'm upset, its been a long year already....

The world needs more strong women

It embarrasses me to admit that it took me 25 years to learn this. I have always skated by, blending in, being average. I have recently realized, being average... gets you no where. I am tired of sitting by and letting life pass me by. I have given up so many opportunities for growth and learning simply because I was too lazy or it seemed too hard, but not anymore. 

The world needs more strong women. I'm not talking about women who are tough and rumble tumble with the boys, I am talking about strong women with testimonies of the Lord, Jesus Christ that shine brighter than the sun. Strong women who have that "thing" no one can quite pin point, but are drawn to. The world needs more strong women who will give up everything for what they know. The world needs strong women who are educated and can think for themselves, enabling them to share their own beliefs. The world needs more strong women who seek adventure, not only for them but for the good of their future families. The world needs strong women who "don't take no crap from nobody" (Jamaica has a team in the Olympics again, what else did you expect.) that includes Satan. I will no longer stand idly by and be an average woman of faith. I'm not saying I will become a zealot, I have my boundaries and after all, "beautiful things do not seek attention." and what is more beautiful than a woman who lives her faith in such a way that no explanation is needed. 

Something has got to give, and mine is being a lazy bum about my own life. I have been on this earth a quarter of a century and what do I have to show for it? A degree I havent even put to use yet, and a few trips inside the United States (even though New York is probably one of my absolute favorite places on the planet now). I need adventure. I need purpose. I need to become a strong woman who goes forward with her life with no more regrets, and no more poor self-esteem. I am a child of God, and more than that I am a daughter of God. 

I always took the YW theme for granted, it is the blueprint for strong women:

We are daughters of Heavenly Father who loves us and we love Him

We will stand as witnesses of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places

as we strive to live the Young Women's values which are:

Faith

Divine Nature

Individual Worth

Knowledge

Choice & Accountability

Good Works 

Integrity and

Virtue

We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values we will be prepared to

Strengthen home and family

Make and keep sacred covenants

Receive the ordinances of the temple &

Enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

Its about time for me to step up and take accountability. No more lazy bum.