And so it keeps beating on...

Last night was an interesting night. I talked to Peter for an hour and a half, and felt more like myself than ever before- I am not going to see him again for at least 5 months(hoping he can stay for winter semester) So it was easy to joke around with no pressure of anything... While I was talking to Peter, Kurt IM's me too and we are talking about random dumb stuff, I am not really paying attention b/c lets be honest, I'm talking to Peter... And so Peter has to leave and I am just talking to Kurt- also another friend from work- and he tells me he has a confession to make. I knew what was coming, because I am a social scientist- I observe people for a living, and intend to teach others about it someday. So he tells me he liked me or in his words(that a lot of guys use up there and I dont like it) "I began to be interested in you toward the end of the semester" which I totally knew. When guys start talking about relationships and stuff... they normally are looking for what you think so they can guess how to act around you. They even like dropping hints, theirs are a lot more obvious though, mainly because girls are not as thick as men. I asked him when it was that he started to like me, and he told me it was when I told him I stopped liking Peter. Only problem with that is, I only told him I stopped liking Peter because I didn't want to appear pathetic.. Also I am a huge flirt and was guilty of flirting with him when I dont like him as more than anything than a friend(kurt that is). And I was doing that to him when Peter was doing the same to me, flirting when we were just friends.... I still like that he tells me stuff and that we talked for over an hour :) Hopefully there will be more convos like that over the next 7 weeks and after :) hahahahaha ya know... just between friends......

I Wrote This For You....

So I stole the title of a popular blog for the post of mine... but the title is still true none the less... I wrote this for you.. even though you will never see it...

A little gratuitous picture for you.... while you read these lyrics...

Existentialism on Prom Night, by Straylight Run:

When the sun came up,
We were sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we were dreaming,

There are moments when,
When I know it and
The world revolves around us,
And we're keeping it,
Keep it all going,
This delicate balance,
Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, kill for this

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything.

Home

Well I am back in Texas and I wish I could say I am excited, but I wish I was in Rexburg of all places right now. At least some of my friends are back there. At least my friends there would have changed the channel at the first inappropriate comment uttered on TV, instead I am stuck here with my family as they just laugh at what is being said... even when I ask, politely, for them to change the channel, on 2 separate occasions, giving my mom plenty of time to change it- and she just laughs telling me "its funny" its not FUNNY when there are single people in the room who have no need, actually even if you are married you have no need to hear what they were talking about... and now I can never unhear that crap....

I know it seems like I am never satisfied and I want to be home when I am in Rexburg and in Rexburg when I am home.. but its for real this time. I didn't want to leave Rexy in the first time this year. If there had been some way for me to stay there I would have done it in a heart beat... I am so ready to be on my own. Just stepping into my house I knew things had not changed from when I had been there in April, or even last year before I left... NOTHING has changed and I have CHANGED in a big way.... Ugh I will not go back to their ways the feeling of BYUI is just too good to give up... Welcome to 5 months of interesting for me.... lets see how it goes.

And so here we are

The official end of the semester, tomorrow is my last day, and all I have to do is white glove clean checks, and finish packing stuff into my car... it feels very surreal to be going home, I feel like I just got here, but looking back on the year, its difficult to think that so much has happened, so lets take a trip down memory lane shall we.. its only 12:30 and I have absolutely no intentions of going to bed...

January: Getting to Utah is a little later than scheduled- by about a whole dang week... When I get there I walk in, see my Grandma, aunt, cousin, and second cousin all waiting for me, and I am so happy. The next day we leave for Idaho, where I get to my apartment and rush to the door of the lounge to see my best friend... oh how things have changed, it feels like I have taken another step on the maturity latter... January besides that was a bit of a blur, for the first time I did not cry while saying good bye to my parents, a huge step. My other bestie came back with a boyfriend, which was incredibly weird, and so we move on to February...

February: Lets rename it month of the crazies! My roommate got engaged, and married within the same month. And being one of her bridesmaids- and having learned from my first time. It was a little intense. So we were down one roommate. And then.... well we can basically skip to the end of March...

March: school, school, school. Patching up damaged relationships, and getting ready for the end of the semester. This would also be the last time I would see my grandmother in her home.

April: Finals blick! Going home. Taking a trip to Utah to fly home, and seeing my grandma in the hospital for the first time... worst/probably one of the most spiritual times I have had this year. Getting to spend those precious 30 minutes alone with her, holding her hand, I will never forget it. Get home to Texas, and I have a million and one people to see, and it seems like there is not enough time to do it! Somehow I manage to get it all done, and make a baby blanket! Then it is on my way back up to Utah. Where I will see my grandma for the last time alive, I would have told my roommate to get a different ride had I known, and spent the rest of the day with my grandma- but I guess I will have eternity for that...

May: It is my birthday month! And it seems like it is taking forever to get to my birthday, probably because it is so late in the month. May 12, I get a call from my mother that my grandma has passed away- devastation doesn't begin to cover it. The very next day I pack up for a week and leave for Utah. There I help my aunt and uncle with things until my mom and sister arrive. When they do, I help pick out such things like a casket, the programs, telling them if there is anything wrong with the way she looks that they can fix... I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Thankfully my niece and sister in law get to come this time, and they brighten the day. Getting to show Abbi pictures of people and pointing them out on the tv as the slideshow goes, was one of the most moving things I experienced, I wonder if she knew some of them before she joined us here... Back up to school for 4 days before I leave for Utah again, and 5 days before my birthday! I got to have all my family in my grandma's house- the way she would have wanted it. And so we move into June...

June: Was the month of waiting! It was one month until Lisa was back from Germany, and time really seemed to slow! I had a count down on my phone, as well as on the calendar! The days ticked by, and all I could think about was seeing her again. I had some amazing times with my friends the weekend before, getting tan was the other objective of this month. And so came July...

July: Finally the weekend came, and I headed down to Utah. Monday ticked by slowly at first, but eventually picked up speed and before I knew it I was down to less than 12 hours. Waking up several times in the middle of the night, and forcing myself back to sleep- I woke up at the sound of my alarm. I jumped up, ran to the shower and started getting ready for the day, I tried to take my time when I realized I gave myself 2 1/2 hours to get ready... I really only needed maybe 1 and 15 minutes. So I put Toy Story in, and at 11:30 I was headed out! It actually took the full 30 minutes for me to drive there... who knew going up a mountain would be so dang difficult... getting there in the winter will for sure suck...I get there and her wonderful husband answers the door with a big wave and a smile. So I wait for her to come upstairs and it feels like an eternity until I see her running up and I can't help myself- I just run toward her. I had been waiting for this hug for 3 years, and I waited a couple of seconds... the tears never came- I was a little worried, but eventually after talking for almost 2 hours they began to fall... and were interrupted by a phone call from her still wonderful husband. There will never be time enough to make up for her being gone 3 years, but I will certainly try with all my might! And so the weekend was over, and I had to go back up to school... crying most of the way.

The rest of the semester passed by in a whirlwind. I cant believe I will be home in 4 days! I cannot imagine what the rest of the year will bring, but be sure, you will know.

Irrationality

Ya know when things get all confusing and you dont really know how to feel because you feel one really irrational way, but its like indulgence so you want to feel that way, and you cant because it really is irrational. And that irrational feeling makes you think you are feeling other feelings when in reality it is just the irrational feeling making you feel the way you do.

And it being the end of the semester.... well end of the semester feelings always come out and those always suck and it just needs to be the end of the semester like done end.


Also the missing Lisa, is not getting better... In fact it is getting worse, probably because of the current circumstances, but still a hug from her would really feel good right now...

The Beginning of the End...

And so we have reached the end of another year at BYU-I. When it comes to the end of other Spring semester's I am always jumping to get out of town, this year however, a good part of me wants to stay. I'm not sure what it is, or why I am feeling this way because I want to see my family, but I feel almost like it is a pivotal time, that being up here could be a very good thing. The bad thing about it is, I have to go home because I have to make money for next year. I wish so bad I could stay. I am just getting into the swing of the semester. I have made all these amazing new friends who are all so different and so awesome to hang out with. And going back to Texas means going back to no friends, working all the time with fun people, but having to deal with people who are angry about things you cannot control, going to the same old ward, with the same old people who ask you the same question every week "you go to byu-i, how is it, do you have anyone special up there?" to which I will answer " yes i do, it is great! "so spiritual", no i do not *sarcastic haha*" to which they will give me the saddest pity face they can muster and reply "oh well, they don't know what they are missing" or "oh, well school is important, focusing on that is good too". Yeah, y'all can shut up, just judge me to yourself and walk away, I don't need you to remind me of my "failure"... I also really do not need to see your judgment to my face, I get enough of it from others...

It doesn't help anything that the person I missed every single day for 3 years, came back and I only got to see her for 2 1/2 hours! It doesn't help that the second I saw her I couldn't comprehend it and so the emotions I wanted to feel wouldn't come out, so the whole time I was with her was like a surreal dream, and we talked about little things- right as we were getting into important things, her phone rings... I wanted to have that conversation with her so bad, because it was beginning to feel real. It was beginning to feel like we really were there. I wanted to really tell her how much I had grown, about the person I had become since she was gone- and I couldn't fully do that. I wanted to tell her how much I had grown to love the gospel, how much Christ has come to mean in my life and the Atonement He made for my sins. I wanted to tell her how I came to discover how much my Heavenly Father really does love me, and know me, and looks out for me, even if it is just a "hi" from a girl in my apartment complex on a terrible day. I wanted her to know that it is because of her and the example she is in my life that I chose to do the things I did in the first place, and fell in love with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That her example helped me fall in love with the scriptures, that through that I found my own reason for doing it- because I was in love with it. I wanted it to be every part of me, inside and out. I wanted to tell her that telling others about the church, even in small ways, made me radiate happiness like never before. That service to others was the best feeling I have ever had...

But I guess that will have to wait for our next meeting which I hope will be in January whether it be right before the semester or during the first 3 day weekend. I hope to learn to write my testimony in German for her, because sometimes the written word is a lot easier than the spoken one.

I think that is another reason I don't want to leave, having her only 3 hours away is a lot more comforting than 23 hours away, even if she is in the same country again, it is having to figure out where we stand in each others lives again. I keep thinking, I have to find a place for her again. She was gone for so long, and she left at a crucial point in my life where everything was changing, and now it feels like time in a sense froze... or our relationship froze for 3 years- and yes we emailed, but it didn't have the same emotion that talking face to face had. It is difficult to describe, but the best phrase I can find is, that she kind of got put on the back burner, where I told her about things, but its not like I expected her to help me with it, or completely understand, I was just telling her to keep my promise that I would keep her informed. She has a place in my life, the place she had before was a huge one, and now other people have started to invade that space, and I don't know if I can give it all back... We will see how things go, how much we talk when she gets back from her vacation...

Dear boy,

Really now, can we get real for a minute...

First of all, stop playing the flirting game. I liked you- past tense- you didnt like me back, we decided to be friends. JUST FRIENDS DONT FLIRT! Quit throwing the pillows at me to get me to start a fight with you. Quit asking me to pull you up off the floor. Quit directing the conversation just at me when there are multiple other people in the room. Be my friend- or be my boyfriend, there is no middle ground I don't play that game.

If you are going to be shallow and like my best friend, take her she is all yours- ps high maintenance doesn't begin to explain it.

If is sound angry, it's because I am. I cannot tell you how freaking tired I am of this stupid game! I am tired of boys only being friends with me, what the heck am I doing wrong? I hate hate hate hate hate all of you!

When you finally realize who the person you like really is, let me know... maybe I'll help...