If ever there were needed a moment of clarity, this was it. Life has been nothing but chaos and confusion and strife and just bad decisions. And I keep telling myself that I'll change, and that I can do hard things but then somehow I get discouraged again and forget my goal.
I don't think I have ever thought of it this way- and I guess I am stupid not to have - but Satan has a real good way of distracting you from what you really need to do. And I don't mean by waving tantalizing sins in front of your face, I mean simple but ever so useful, slight of hand tricks. He isn't necessarily tempting to do bad things, merely keeping the attention elsewhere. And its like sthap Satan, you are not a magician go home. I mean I think it has come to me needing to PHYSICALLY see my end game in front of my every day/night to keep my attention where it needs to be.
All of this comes after an AMAZING General Conference. There have been times when I have received some good counsel from the apostles and prophet, absolutely. But the answers I needed in my confused little head could not have come any clearer and in so many talks. There were the normal few that did not peek my interest as much as others, but it seemed like speaker after speaker was just laying it out all so beautifully and simply. And then I remembered, Heavenly Father works in very simple and clear ways. There is no deception, no slight of hand, only true clarity.
My brother and his family stopped by tonight. It was instantly loud and chaotic and just so disorganized, but so goes life with 4 children under the age of 5. I noticed one of my nephews was getting tired and while I was trying to rock him in the middle of the chaos, I knew there was no way in heck this kid could get a moments peace with all the turmoil. I took him into my parents bedroom. It was cool and dark and best of all, quiet. Its moments like this one I cannot wait to have children of my own. As I sat on the bed rocking my nephew, I could see his big bright eyes looking up at me and a huge smile across that gummy mouth. I stood up and swayed with him, within a few minutes he was snoozing. It was in that quiet moment I realized, I was exactly where I needed to be. I had not felt that much comfort and that much understanding and love, not just from my nephew, in a long time. I realized that it was not in anyway where I could foresee myself being a year previous, but it was exactly where I was meant to be.
I understand that things may be changing soon, they are destined to, but I learned that Heavenly Father knows exactly what He is doing. I know I am still learning this, and my always have to continue learning this but I also know that He will never leave me. I know that He will always guide me and be with me so long as I allow His Spirit to be with me. I know that I need to make choices that will lead me to where I want to go, and that this pretending to be an adult is no longer a game. Its time to step up to the plate and realize that this is all real life, as was said in Conference today, you don't want to look back to late and realize you muddled away your 4 minutes. This "life" thing is not just a game of "playing house" its real, with real consequences, real choice, and real rewards.... and punishments.
I am so glad I was able to see those moments of clarity with my nephew in my arms. I don't think I would have if I wasn't given the chance to be in a quiet place with my heart so at peace.
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