Where does the time go?

Seeing as it is the end of the year, and i nearly always get super reflection-y around this time of year and seeing where I have come from the year previous, here comes a huge, emotional, and super dysfunctional and hard to read post.

 This time last year I was breaking up with a boy who I had never moved so fast with and had never been so wrong for.... and then about 3 weeks later I watched (through FB pictures) him get engaged to another girl and my world fell apart. I got so down about myself, nothing was right and I rebelled. In doing so, I lost myself even farther than I already had while I was with this boy and after him....

I moved back to Nampa, Idaho. It was my home. It was where I became an adult, its where I could stay away from the anxiety that was back in TX. And to be honest, I think it was divine inspiration I stayed in Idaho, because it turns out I had to go back to school for another semester. While in Nampa however, I did meet another boy who would teach me more about myself than I ever thought was possible and would change my life forever. I can remember the first time I ever even saw him. I thought he was SO cute right off the bat. And my immediate thought "I wanna kiss that boy" - lets all take a moment to remember that the Autumn we all know and love was gone and this empty, broken hearted, shell was looking for attention in all the wrong ways. I also immediately set out to find ways I could casually bump into this boy and make myself noticed in little ways- and all of them worked. Becoming friends was easy enough, he was new in town and needed them. And man was he easy to flirt with... Needless to say I got what I wanted. I felt like there was a reason I was back in Idaho, and he was it. I had completely forgotten my rule from my favorite rom/com "He's Just Not That Into You" as the main girl Gigi puts it, "you are not the exception, you are the rule." and I had completely forgotten that. I was going to have one of those adorable 'fate brought us together' mormon stories that all the adorable couples have. And we were adorable for a month or 2. I was gaga over this guy and he was all too sweet. We talked every day- all day. He loved history and wanted to study PT. I loved history and also happen to love massages ;). We got along so well, and he treated me well. And then he moved... and I moved.... and things fell apart- for the first time. Then we came back together for what was one of the best weekends of my life (dont be gross nothing happened- we just connected on a level we really never had and I could see life being that wonderful all the time) Then I moved.... and he didnt... and I came to realized all to late that I was always a second option. And my world fell apart again... but a little less than it had the first time. This time I had more composure and was able to communicate how things were and how I felt about them a lot better. I actually have the first boy to thank for that, making me say how I feel and not being afraid to feel it. I was more confident in myself with this break up. I knew I was right and I knew I had the Lord on my side, because I knew I was going to need Him and there was no way I was going to suffer through this one like I had the last one. Don't get me wrong, I still had things to learn, and am still learning to erase all the little corners of my life he resides.... but I felt more peace with this one. Up until I found out he was engaged- I still may have indulged in a day dream or two about us coming back together... after all we had once.... it could happen again. But it didn't and it never would, and I am mostly glad it didn't.

I cannot believe how much this past year has taught me about myself and how weird it is that for a while I felt like things were normal, and now that I actually do feel more normal, I see how depressed and confused I was. I have a huge task in front of me. I plan on moving to Utah to find a life for myself, and to be honest a new relationship! I want companionship and if I can't find it here.... and since I haven't found it here in the 4 1/2 months I've been here when I found not one but two in the 6 months I was in Nampa... it is time for a change. I am never more me than when I am on my own and if moving far away does that- than so be it.

It scares me, and I get discouraged when people tell me I am irresponsible for planning on moving when I don't have a solid job, but I moved back to Nampa with only a part time job and I know it was the right thing to do, so I know this is the right thing to do. I will get the job I want and the job I need. I just need to move up there and get my life started... The only thing in my way is money- but I can do hard things, and I will save all the money I can to get up there as soon as I can. I need another clean start and this is it.

I can't believe the things Heavenly Father put in my path at exactly the right time for me to take it. And I know this is just another test to see if I will listen to Him.... Now just to get there.