I don't really know where to start this blog because I don't know that I really know how to put all the feelings and emotions and thoughts into words. Its not a subject or plane of thought that I haven't thought much about, in fact, it has really been on my mind probably 90% of the last few weeks. It something that I have been thinking a lot about since probably march though, trying to find the exact right words and eloquence for it all. But I don't know that it is going to ever be that way, there simply may not be the right words for what I have been thinking about.
To start off, I know ( I get it people say that all the time but this is just undeniable) that people are put into our lives for certain reason at certain times. I know that people leave our lives for certain reasons at certain times.
It has put me in awe recently over how perfectly my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me because of the people He has put in my life.
I've known certain things about myself that I haven't wanted to admit because I thought it would come off as crazy and weird but I really don't care anymore I need to get it out.. I've always had many wonderfully strong female leaders and role models in my life that I have looked up to as examples of the kind of woman I want to be. One of those women was put on an extremely high pedestal, we are talking this person could do no wrong they could have said all sorts of terrible things about me even and gotten away with it and I would still put them on that high in the sky place in my heart and mind. That person however has always lived in their own world. I was just too involved in mine, and her place in it, to realize this. When I moved to Utah I had all these expectations that I would see her all the time, after all the years of no communication or little communication, and that didn't happen. It wasn't heartbreaking per say, not like when you are in love with someone and they no longer want you, more like someone forgetting about you. Where all the memories and sweet moments with that person were no longer valid like it was all made up in your head and all the love you thought you had for the past 10 years was never there.... and you feel crazy because you think you did just make it all up. How could someone, who rushed to your side when you called in a panic from being in a car accident that wasn't your fault but you were still too afraid to call your parents for some dumb reason, not love you anymore... how could you make that up.... but I digress.
I realized because of that woman on that high pedestal seemingly leaving me "out in the cold" I had a hole in my heart that I needed to fill. I needed that type of person back in my life because I am the type of person who needs a lot of reassurance and nurturing. I like to put such a tough girl persona out because I am so sensitive and don't want to be hurt.. but I'm hurting myself by doing that... digressing again..
January came this year and a wonderful thing happened. Heavenly Father put the most perfect person in my path. Someone who is as nurturing as the person I lost, maybe even more so. Someone who took the time to get to know me and listened to me. Who understands my queue for love and attention and responds exactly the right way because she actually cares and shows she cares. Someone who I painted as that person I lost and shouldn't have because I was trying to fill a spot when the spot to be filled was completely full and even running over with how wonderful and loving this new friend is.
Little things this friend does every day put me in awe and make me feel loved. There have been times where I have started to panic after a few hours of no texting back because it is such an easy emotion for me to fall into anymore. But I have kept reminding myself that this new friend is not the friend who left me. She shows it every day by showing me she listened and understood what I needed. Whether its a text, a snapchat, a like on FB, an invitation to spend the day or even just a few squeezed in hours with her, its because I know she loves me and wants me to know and SEE that she does.
I am grateful for the angels Heavenly Father has given me. To watch over me and help build me up.
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