And so we have reached the end of another year at BYU-I. When it comes to the end of other Spring semester's I am always jumping to get out of town, this year however, a good part of me wants to stay. I'm not sure what it is, or why I am feeling this way because I want to see my family, but I feel almost like it is a pivotal time, that being up here could be a very good thing. The bad thing about it is, I have to go home because I have to make money for next year. I wish so bad I could stay. I am just getting into the swing of the semester. I have made all these amazing new friends who are all so different and so awesome to hang out with. And going back to Texas means going back to no friends, working all the time with fun people, but having to deal with people who are angry about things you cannot control, going to the same old ward, with the same old people who ask you the same question every week "you go to byu-i, how is it, do you have anyone special up there?" to which I will answer " yes i do, it is great! "so spiritual", no i do not *sarcastic haha*" to which they will give me the saddest pity face they can muster and reply "oh well, they don't know what they are missing" or "oh, well school is important, focusing on that is good too". Yeah, y'all can shut up, just judge me to yourself and walk away, I don't need you to remind me of my "failure"... I also really do not need to see your judgment to my face, I get enough of it from others...
It doesn't help anything that the person I missed every single day for 3 years, came back and I only got to see her for 2 1/2 hours! It doesn't help that the second I saw her I couldn't comprehend it and so the emotions I wanted to feel wouldn't come out, so the whole time I was with her was like a surreal dream, and we talked about little things- right as we were getting into important things, her phone rings... I wanted to have that conversation with her so bad, because it was beginning to feel real. It was beginning to feel like we really were there. I wanted to really tell her how much I had grown, about the person I had become since she was gone- and I couldn't fully do that. I wanted to tell her how much I had grown to love the gospel, how much Christ has come to mean in my life and the Atonement He made for my sins. I wanted to tell her how I came to discover how much my Heavenly Father really does love me, and know me, and looks out for me, even if it is just a "hi" from a girl in my apartment complex on a terrible day. I wanted her to know that it is because of her and the example she is in my life that I chose to do the things I did in the first place, and fell in love with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That her example helped me fall in love with the scriptures, that through that I found my own reason for doing it- because I was in love with it. I wanted it to be every part of me, inside and out. I wanted to tell her that telling others about the church, even in small ways, made me radiate happiness like never before. That service to others was the best feeling I have ever had...
But I guess that will have to wait for our next meeting which I hope will be in January whether it be right before the semester or during the first 3 day weekend. I hope to learn to write my testimony in German for her, because sometimes the written word is a lot easier than the spoken one.
I think that is another reason I don't want to leave, having her only 3 hours away is a lot more comforting than 23 hours away, even if she is in the same country again, it is having to figure out where we stand in each others lives again. I keep thinking, I have to find a place for her again. She was gone for so long, and she left at a crucial point in my life where everything was changing, and now it feels like time in a sense froze... or our relationship froze for 3 years- and yes we emailed, but it didn't have the same emotion that talking face to face had. It is difficult to describe, but the best phrase I can find is, that she kind of got put on the back burner, where I told her about things, but its not like I expected her to help me with it, or completely understand, I was just telling her to keep my promise that I would keep her informed. She has a place in my life, the place she had before was a huge one, and now other people have started to invade that space, and I don't know if I can give it all back... We will see how things go, how much we talk when she gets back from her vacation...
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